This is why you turn your phone off at a comedy show. (Recorded at the Comedy Store in Hollywood, CA)
http://www.michaelnelsoncomedy.com/OLD%20SITE%20ROOT/Podcast/PhonesKillComedyShows-MichaelNelson.mp3
Various segments of Michael James Nelson on the show “Stand Up Orlando” ((www.standuporlando.com))
http://www.michaelnelsoncomedy.com/OLD SITE ROOT/Podcast/MichaelonStandUpOrlando.mp3
By Michael James Nelson
Finally, the answer to the most important question of your life…. How do I get ripped abs quick? And the answer is very simple. Don’t eat food.
Now, stay with me, stay with me… Great ideas aren’t always accepted at first. Okay? Look at Jersey Girl. A wonderful movie that no one wanted to make at first, but look what happened, they made it and it turned out to be a smash hit.
So, you don’t eat food and it will be tough at first. AT FIRST. BUT, once you get over the hump, it is smooth sailing from there on out. Well, not total smooth sailing because navigating those future ripped abs of yours would be a bumpy ride for any vessel. Hahahahahahahahaha! Oh snap! I hope someone wrote that down because that is going to kill on stage.
So, no food. Easy stuff. Now, the first week is tough. It will be tempting to eat food. Don’t do it! The second week does present its share of heightened challenges like unbearable joint pain, bleeding gums, hallucinations, and even uncontrollable diarrhea. But, but, but, you just have to keep telling yourself that it is worth the pain and suffering. You have to constantly tell yourself that the image of you walking out of the ocean in a small banana hammock with water glistening off of your ripped abs is in fact an image that can come true and an image is worth fighting for, no matter how many times you uncontrollably defecate in your pants.
Week three is the toughest. You wake up on that Monday and suddenly you are a small child with a bloated belly with flies buzzing around your head and some asshole talking to a camera about sponsoring you. Look, this is going to scare you at first, but trust me, it comes with the territory. If you can make the month without eating, oh man, your abs are going to be the talk of the town.
But first, a quick trip to the hospital to bring you back to life and then, THEN, you are done. See? That wasn’t so bad. Sure, you can go research other methods or get a personal trainer to take you on the ripped abs journey that will take longer than a trek to Gondor, but my friend, ain’t nothin’ gonna get you these results in just one month.
People always ask me if I am a doctor and/or how would I know that this is the best, healthiest way for a person to obtain ripped abs. And I tell my cellmates, “Listen, I am going to take a dump and if anyone watches I am going to f’in lose it.”
Anyway, time for recess. But, I will leave you with this. (a moment) In this world there are people who believe in miracles and then there are people who listen to everything I say and end up happy people with vacation homes. So, let that knowledge marinate in your head for a bit. Now, I am going to go stand in the yard and try to avoid being shanked.
check out an interview I did on The Serious Tip’s website.
http://theserioustip.blogspot.com/2009/04/interview-with-comedy-writer-producer.html
Always cool, calm and collected… he is the James Bond of the audio world… he is… the Boom Operator.
lyrics and video parody written by michael james nelson
Behind the lights
Getting frequencies right
He moves in space, sometimes with haste and maximum joy
High stakes,
His back does ache,
He wishes for a microphone with higher heights
No place for beginners or sensitive hearts
Then things go silent, not even a fart
The microphones break, his craft really starts
No need to panic
He’s a boom operator
Boom operator, boom operator
Boom operator
Extend that boom all the way to Key Largo, all is game
High overhead hold still for the moment, out of frame
*****(Instrument solo)******
Face to face, a steady pace
We shadow box and double cross
Stick with the pace
The cast is moving, continue to hold
Recording memories, converting sound into gold
His mic is like an angel sent from above
No need to panic
He’s a boom operator
Boom operator, boom operator
Boom operator
Extend that boom all the way to Key Largo, all is game
High overhead hold still for the moment, out of frame
Boom operator, boom operator
Boom operator, boom operator
Boom operator, boom operator
Boom operator, boom operator
Boom operator, boom operator
Comedian Michael James Nelson is stalked by singer Alicia Keys.
Robert Cunningham III, the biggest tool in high school, wants to be a stoner. His MADE Coach, Trip, guides Robert through the necessary steps to become the ultimate stoner.
Legendary Baseball Announcer Harry Caray returns to Earth for a gangsta rap freestyle session.
