Boy Gives Lackluster CRIBS Tour
June 24, 2009 // 7:50 pm
Bard Fupah poses on his couch minutes before the cribs tour
By Michael James Nelson
APOPKA, FL – Apopka High School junior Bard Flupah was heavily criticized by fellow students for giving a very uneventful and embarrassing “cribs” style tour of his family’s three bedroom, two bathroom home.
“I don’t understand,” confessed a very baffled Bard, sitting on the edge of his family’s above ground pool. “I showed them every room in the house, including my parent’s shower with a water resistant radio in it.”
Although Bard gave what he thought to be a great tour of a really cool house, everyone in attendance thought otherwise. “Man, where the hell were all the plasma screens and imported chinchilla,” demanded a very disappointed Alfred King, a huge Diddy fan. “I mean, at least he could have put on some Scarface or some shit.”
The tour began in the family room where a fake aquarium with coral reef wallpaper and a lazy boy chair with a makeshift armrest/beer dispenser immediately triggered sighs of annoyance and disenchanted familiarity.
After quickly being ushered down an off white painted hallway that Bard claimed was a rare plaster only found in Oriental farmlands, the classmates reached even higher levels of flabbergast at the site of Bard’s room. “What the fuck?” Asked Chip Truman, one of the coolest freshmen at Apopka high. “The kid had a water bed littered with Cabbage Patch Kids.” Bard later legitimized this by explaining that the dolls were very rare and were imported from Oriental farmlands.
The tour continued and Bard struggled to keep the very vocal group focused. At one point, he attempted to regain focus by explaining that his house was being used to shoot a new 1980’s themed Spielberg movie starring Mario Lopez and the fact he had brought them “on set” without clearance was a risky undertaking that could get “my ass canned”. This alleged bait-and-switch technique was met with an arsenal of vulgarity that pushed the tour into a state of panic. In a desperate attempt to gain control, Bard did a Google image search for the word ‘Vagina’.
After a lot of laughter and Blue Collar Tour parallels, everyone immediately left the house giggling and pushing each other into bushes. Bard was left behind, knowing that this horrific ordeal would cause his popularity numbers to plummet just prior to a time he needed them the most… homecoming season. “Now, he’ll be lucky if he gets a date with that huge Goth chick that writes poetry in the east staircase all day,” said Mike James, a junior with high numbers due to a hilarious Carlos Mencia joke he delivered at lunch. “I don’t think he can bounce back, not even for homecoming next year, let alone next year’s prom (a pause) Beaner.”
Bard’s tragic cribs tour has spread across the entire county. Roy Pelt, a senior at Edgewater High School, about twenty miles down the highway, confirmed that rumors are already trickling in. “I hear he jerks it to Oriental paintings and showers with his parents,” explained Roy. “That shit is trailer.”
“My buddy over at Lake Highland Prep told me that he pissed himself while doing the cabbage patch,” laughed Drew Gilliland, a senior at Bard’s high school, who best remembers Bard from the time he ran for freshman class president on the grounds that every Friday would be ‘dress up like your favorite Star Trek character’ and that forth period would be reserved for ‘freestyle walking’.
These days Bard is verbally abused in the hallways of school, kids constantly shouting out things like “This is the house that shit built”. But, Bard is moving forward. In second period English class, Bard used his allotted essay reading time to formally announce that his house would be receiving an upgrade that would make Extreme Makeover: Home Edition look like “a little bitch” and by the end of the year he would be giving another tour of his house that will “leave you questioning everything you thought you knew about cribs”. He also announced that Spielberg’s 1980’s themed movie had been temporarily put on hiatus.
