An Open Letter

June 24, 2009 // 7:52 pm

To all reality television producers,

With all of the attention on Iraq and Iran, it is easy to forget about our little diamond in the rough, the country that we saved (a.k.a. bombed the living shit out of) and started to build back up in our own unique way. Our little Sim City… Afghanistan.

Yes, rooting for the success of Afghanistan is something that we all should do. But, we should also root for and embrace Afghanistan’s pop culture. You might think American Idol is the primo entity of reality television, but in fact it would be a late night infomercial compared to the reality show that is Afghanistan.

Watching a pop culture take its very first steps would be an immaculate thing to witness. Picture this if you will… It is a hot day with a nice cool breeze out of the west. The Taliboy Band 198 Degrees has just stepped off the stage after an encore. The crowd of over ten thousand people is going absolutely wild. But, every one in attendance is really there for the big headliner… The Al-Qaeda Kids. This ultra hip band first grabbed attention with its hit, “I Wonder What You Look Like, Girl.” With four buckets, some old oil barrels, and the ammo casings of a Russian assault riffle, these four young men jived themselves into prime time. Now, they spin and gyrate on stage as thousands of women scream through their veils, with some going as far to flash an ankle, later to be featured on the VHS tape’s “Behind-the-Scenes” section.

Sure, the country gets a slow start by jamming out to Right Said Fred and chewing condoms because they think its bubble gum, but time will tell and mistakes will be broiled into gold. Afghanistan will start to recycle fads that American pop culture abandoned years ago. Men will be seen wearing jean shorts and hyper color shirts while jamming out to a Walkman. (What the hell is a Walkman?) Women will ultimately go whip happy with their slap bracelets and proudly sport their jelly sandals. A young man will pass a friend and say, “Ahmad, radical day for some hoops?” In which Ahmed will answer with a double-sided hand slap identical to the one used in the hit movie Top Gun. (The top movie in Afghanistan.)

Inevitably, trouble will rumble through the communities when one of its beloved pop stars is booed off the stage for not singing “live.” A short cut that is strictly shunned in Afghan pop culture and should be looked at identically in American pop culture as well.

But, the showstopper would be when Aknar, the lead man of The Dirt Road Boys, removes the veil of pop diva Shaloma, revealing her face during a live feed of the Camel Cup 500’s halftime show. Brought to you by Shantari Mouth Dry. “Tired of your camel spitting all over you? Try Shantari.”

But I digress… The entertainment value condensed within an Afghanistan pop culture will explode to insurmountable proportions. When reality television’s extortion of everyday people fades away, just when we thought the entire concept was dry, they will find a sweet drop of relief in the deserts of the middle east. Besides just the Cabbage Patch Kids, Ataris, Light Brights, big haircuts, and Pogo Balls, Afghanistan will bring a new dimension to reality television. It will become the primo entity on television and you will find yourself scheduling your entire life around it. So, make it happen.